Kidz n Moms

Blossoming and Sharing

Post by Samana:

Kidz N Moms is excited to announce the launch of our new website happening on Friday, May 10^th.  I thought it fitting to launch it right before mother’s day and embed a little gift for mom within the site. I am embedding two small pictures of earrings within the site. If you find one of these and click on it, you will be entered into a drawing for a $25 gift card at See Jane Sparkle, a designer boutique, known for its beautiful handmade creations.

Creating this new website with the help of my graphic designer has been quite a growth process. It’s as if Kidz N Moms is being reborn.  The new website will have instructional videos, testimonials from kids, parents, and families, and Samana’s recommended resources for parents.

I want to connect more with my followers and share whatever I can to best empower you to get healthier each day. I would love to have more comments from readers and will respond to any I receive. I learn from all of my readers and clients so much each day. Please give me any feedback you have on my blogs or website content.  I want to provide the best resources I can for parents and families.

I may later add a Community Page to the site, which I can fill with any helpful ideas or tools I gather from clients and readers.  Learning is two way process.  We learn so much from those we share with, just as you and your children learn so much from each other.

Please take time to explore the new site and like my Facebook page, Kidz N Moms, if you haven’t already. Kidz N Moms is blooming like the spring flowers and ready to share with more readers and families.

Thanks for listening about the new site! 

Spring is a time for birth, growth and new beginnings.  Where are you feeling like you are ready to grow or start fresh?  Perhaps it’s in your body and you’re considering a spring cleanse.  Spring is the perfect time for this.  Cleansing clears not only the body, but the mind. I just did a one month cleanse where I increased my protein intake and avoided dairy, wheat and sugar 6 days a week. I ate whatever I wanted on Saturdays. I am breathing clearer and just feel cleaner and stronger.  If you haven’t done a cleanse before, explore different options to find what‘s best for you.

Next week, we’ll return to the topic of emotional coaching with our children. I will discuss different parenting types so you can better understand your style.

Be A Coach

Post by Samana:

In the last blog, I introduced the idea of being a coach for your children as they learn to socialize.  Now let’s discuss how you can coach your children to understand and work with their emotions.

In “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” John Gottman, Ph.D, states, “Good parenting begins in your heart, and then continues on a moment to moment basis by engaging your children when feelings run high, when they are sad, angry or scared.  The heart of parenting is being there in a particular way when it really counts.”  He describes a process called, “emotion coaching” you can do with your children.

As an adult, I can find dealing with emotions and expressing them challenging. If we can teach our children how to better accept and express all their emotions, they’ll grow up healthier in mind and body. I don’t know about you, but when I was a child, expressing emotions wasn’t widely accepted. Even now, we don’t want our children to make a scene or misbehave.  Instead of just disciplining them and making them feel wrong, we can empathize with them and help them work with strong emotions.

Some parents give guidance to their children about emotions and some don’t. Those that are willing to get involved with their children’s emotions are “Emotion Coaches.” They teach their kids strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs.  If you are doing this already, you’re building a closer relationship with your children and teaching them important life lessons.  If you haven’t felt comfortable doing this, read on for more strategies on how to become an “Emotion Coach.”

Gottman describes five steps in the process of coaching:

1. Become aware of the child’s emotion.
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings.
4. Help the child find words to label the emotion she is having.
5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

Studies have shown that children who have parents who practice ”Emotion Coaching,” do better in school, behave and get along with others better, and are less prone to violent behavior. They are more emotionally resilient, healthy, and intelligent.

You still discipline your children in this approach, while at the same time forming a deeper emotional bond with them.  Your children learn to value your words and care about what you think and feel. You allow your children’s negative emotions and offer guidance.

The key is empathetic listening, responsiveness and open communication with your children about their emotions. You can teach your children values and allow them to feel respected and heard.

Next week, there will be a special blog to introduce Kidz N Moms new website which will launch on May 10th. I would love if you would take some time to explore the new site and share it with others.

Socializing ( Part 2 )

Post by Samana:

Once your child has entered a group, he needs to understand about boundaries. Intense children often invade others space in their enthusiasm to share ideas. They can be loud crossing social boundaries with their voice.  If you teach your child about boundaries, he can better understand how to relate to others. If you have more than one child, you can teach them at home. Siblings can be more supportive as your intense child learns how to relate. Teaching your child the awareness of space will help him in all his relationships.

Intense children are often reactive, getting angry if things don’t go their way or if they get overexcited. A more sensitive child can get easily overstimulated and become reactive as well. Breathe and keep your cool. It’s tempting to get reactive yourself, but remember you’re the coach here to support and guide her. Make sure your child doesn’t harm another child. Make it clear that you will not allow hitting, kicking or biting.

It’s important to help your child find resolution in conflicts.  If he’s the aggressor, teach him to express his feelings and listen to others’ as well. He may need to step away and calm down before doing this.  Kids are often just separated.   They don’t learn to express their feelings or resolve conflicts. Bring him back to resolve the issue. Show him how to work with words instead of fists for resolution.  Help both children to find the yes that allows everyone to be happy. Teach your child to respect other points of view and to work cooperatively.

Kids, especially siblings, love to tease each other. Teach your child when the teasing is no longer fun and gets derisive or shameful for the other child. Teach her that names like Chubby or Stupid aren’t allowed in your family.  What you teach in the home carries over to interactions with other children or adults.

Teasing can become bullying. If this happens, teach your child to get adult support. Help her to feel respected so she doesn’t feel like a victim. Let her know its okay to get help if teasing is ongoing and upsetting. Children are vulnerable. We need to protect their self-esteem.

If you have a toddler, sharing is most likely an issue. He’s in the stage where he wants to establish what’s his.  Taking turns is challenging for a young child. Having multiple toys is a good idea.  Putting away toys your child is protective over helps when other children are over. If your child is older, talk to him about his feelings and teach him how important sharing is in friendship.

Losing at games is often hard for children. Intense or sensitive children can get easily frustrated. When your child isn’t upset, teach her how to be a good winner or to lose in style. Guide her to take a break if she feels too hot or upset and come back to the game when calmer.

Reinforce your child’s ability to resolve a conflict or share a toy. She’ll do it more and more.

Remember to see your child’s gifts.  Help him feel good about himself so he can handle whatever happens in groups. The more you teach your child to love himself, the stronger he’ll be in all relationships.

Socializing ( Part 1 )

Post by Samana:

Some children pick up social skills easily.  Others need more support and direction. You can help your child move into groups and function more harmoniously.

If your child easily interacts with other children, celebrate it and give him positive reinforcement. If your child leaps in, but then struggles with anger when others don’t act like she expected, or pulls back and gets uncomfortable in social situations, understand it is part of her temperament and biology.

The child who leaps in craves excitement to feel good using more of the left brain. She can get frustrated and overwhelmed in social settings. You can help her to channel her energy more positively.

The child who pulls back is often highly sensitive or slow to adapt using more of his right brain. He is wary of social interactions.  You can teach him tools to help him interact and get comfortable around others.

Act like a coach, guiding and supporting your child, but staying on the sidelines. You may want to protect your child or get involved.  You can best serve her by taking a deep breath and not getting upset or overly involved.

Focus on your child’s strengths. If she is shy, remind yourself she is thoughtful and a great observer. If he is filled with enthusiasm and often gets overexcited or agitated, remind yourself how fun he is. If she tries to direct all the other kids, remember this shows leadership potential.

Socializing is a learned activity.  Your child needs to practice.  If you take care of your child full time, go out each day so he gets used to being around other people. Schedule some repeated activities with other children or families so he can get comfortable in social settings. Repeated activities make kids feel safe and they can gain more confidence over time. Choose things your child will like such as a play group or karate class. Reinforce your child’s behavior as he waits his turn or offers to share a favorite toy. Build on his strengths so he gains confidence.

If your child has a strong energy and gets easily upset or tries to take over in groups, teach her to tune in, stop and listen to the other children. Teach her to be more aware of what the other children are saying or feeling.

Help your shy child to approach other children and reattempt interactions even if he is first met with rejection. Research has shown that 50% of first attempts to enter groups are met with rejection. Support him to try again. As you smile, nod and show confidence, his confidence will build.

Remember as a coach you can best guide and support your child as she learns how to connect with other kids. Breathe, relax and smile. The more relaxed you are the more relaxed she will be.

Next week, we will explore issues that happen while in a group such as teasing and fighting. 

Time to Get Dressed

Post by Samana:

Getting your kids dressed each day can present some morning challenges. We want our kids dressed warmly and appropriately each day. They want to wear what looks good to them or feels best. This may not agree with our top priorities for them. As well, they might be sensitive and picky with what they wear or too energetic to stay still long enough to get dressed.

As mentioned for meals and sleep time, you can work with your child’s temperament to take the struggle out of dressing each day. You know your child better than anyone. You know if they are sensitive about seams in their socks or tags in their clothes.  You know if they are easily distracted by birds out the window or programs on the television.  You can set the scene for the success each morning.

Start with minimizing distractions. Turn the TV off. Keep them off video games.  Organize their wardrobe leaving only their favorites and clothes in season. If you are ambitious, make a “dress up” drawer, a “school” drawer and a “play” drawer.

Consider putting a large indoor/outdoor thermometer in their room and glue pictures on it:  shorts at 80 degrees, sweatshirts at 60 degrees and winter jackets at 30 degrees. They can’t argue with a thermometer as they can with you.

To keep your child focused, have a large mirror so he can watch his progress and learn to dress independently.

If your child likes to dress herself, but gets frustrated easily talk to her about it and teach her to break her dressing into small steps she can accomplish.

Go shopping with your child. Buy clothes that are easy to get on, feel good and  match other pieces in his drawer. Find clothes that you both can agree upon. For  successful shopping: listen to your child, expect to make a few trips, take a break so you can both get a snack, know when to quit if you or your child are frustrated, and buy it if you find it. Shopping together respects the feelings of both you and your child. Wait to cut off tags until your child tries the clothes on at home and gives his final approval.

Be patient with your child.  If she is sensitive, she really can feel lint or bumps in her clothing. Select natural fabrics like cotton which feels better than synthetics. If she is slow to adapt, plan extra time each morning for her to dress.

Remember, with repetition everything gets easier. Dressing will get better over time.

* Just wanted to let my readers know, I am giving a free workshop for parents this weekend called Family Energy Dynamics.  It will teach you positive ways to work with your family's  energy to have more harmony in your home. I would love to see you. Click here for details: Family Energy Dynamics

Stress Free Meals

Post by Samana:

Family meals are a great time to connect with your kids. In busy families, it’s often the only time each day everyone gets together. As a mom, you may feel some extra stress to make sure that everyone is well fed. Often times moms buy the groceries and make the meals. There’s no guarantee the children will eat it.

I like the principle recommended by Ellyn Satter, parenting author, “You are responsible for the what, when, and where of feeding.  Your child is responsible for the how much, whether, of eating. It is up to you to get healthy food into the house. But once you have done that, you simply have to let go of it, turn the rest over to your child, and trust her to do her part.” You choose what food is available. If you want your child to eat fruit, have it handy for snacks or give it as a side to his favorite macaroni and cheese. If you don’t want your child to eat chips, cookies and candy, don’t keep it in the house.

Many younger children eat little at meals. Offering them nutritious snacks every two or three hours between meals is great way to get more nutrition into them. Choose crackers and cheese with apple slices or peanut butter and banana. Combine proteins, carbohydrates and fats in snacks as well as meals.

Plan at least one meal a week the whole family is there. Studies have shown kids who eat regular family meals have better overall nutrient intake than those who don’t. Rituals and consistency help our children feel safe.

My stepson doesn’t like fruit or vegetables. He cringes at the experience of eating many of them. He’s anxious about trying new foods. I’ve found that by serving a vegetable with each dinner and asking everyone to try it, he has opened up to eating some spinach and carrots. I have him taste new vegetables. If he likes them, I gradually give him more at meals. I don’t force him to eat ones he’s tasted and doesn’t like. He’s opening up to more foods and getting less anxious.

Some children say “Yuck” or make a scene in refusing foods. Teach them to say, “No, thank you" so they can politely refuse. Having your child help in food preparation makes her more comfortable with what she will be eating. It can help with that witching hour after school when kids are often tired and irritable to deflect possible tantrums or fights.

Keep your children informed about the menu. When possible, give them choices as well. It is empowering for kids to choose what they eat or to help prepare meals.

Don’t use food as a reward or punishment. Bribing your child with giving or taking away food only disrupts his natural message centers. Dessert can be nutritious especially if it contains fruit. Let your child enjoy it without the need to earn it.

Remember the two most important questions to ask your child are, “Are you hungry?” and “ Are you full?” You provide nourishing foods.  The rest is up to her.

Temper Tantrums ( Part 2 )

Post by Samana:

Despite your best efforts to work with your child, tantrums can and do happen.  Let’s talk about what to do with a tantrum. When children get in tantrums, they find it extremely difficult to stop themselves.  Your child needs your help to calm down and regain control. Remember, if he is having a tantrum, he is often over tired, over stressed or over stimulated. If you can find and stop the trigger, you can stop the flood.

If he is overstimulated, take him to a quiet place.  If he had to sit still for too long, find a place to let him run. If he had to deal with too many transitions, don’t go to another store. Pause and take a deep breath.  You can often tune into what triggered your child and help him out.

Stay with your child.  Your presence is key to helping your child to calm down. You can help them to work through strong emotions.  Your child needs to know you care and accept them and are available for them. If you are getting too upset, tell your child you need to step away and walk away for a few minutes breathing and refocusing yourself.

Gentle touch calms the body.  Try rubbing your child’s back or giving her a hug. This can help bring her pulse rate down.

A body under stress often needs to move. Take your child outside or in a hall to walk.  If your child is more introverted, give him space but stay nearby.

Use distraction to draw your child’s energy elsewhere. The Lion's Pose from yoga is great to release tension.  You can also make up a silly dance to do when your child is having a meltdown and do it with her. Make it up when your child is calm and use it during a tantrum. You can often get your child laughing.

Use a soft but firm voice and get to eye level with your child. This can be very calming. Your child needs to feel loved and supported not punished. Tell him to stop.  Stay firm, gentle and focused.

As your child comes out of the tantrum, talk to her about what she is feeling. As she becomes more aware, she can start to see her own triggers.  You can strategize together to prevent future tantrums.

Take care of yourself.  If you had a rough day with your child, plan some time for yourself.  Take a hot bath, go to bed early or call a sitter and have a night out.

If the tantrums continue despite all your best efforts, enlist the help of a professional. I work with parents and kids dealing with many behavior and intensity issues. Energy work, nutritional guidance and family coaching can all be very helpful.

Remember. Support both your child and yourself so everyone can feel better.

Temper Tantrums ( Part 1 )

Post by Samana:

I remember being the six year old girl in the Toys r Us aisle lying on the floor kicking and screaming for the Barbie Dream House.  Mom had a time with my outbursts.  Back then, parents didn’t have all the tools and guidebooks that we as parents have today. All the same, temper tantrums still present a challenge to most parents. Tantrums can leave us feeling bruised and worn out.

A classic tantrum may be a child’s attempt to get attention.  More spirited children tend to experience a different type of tantrum, the spill-over tantrum.  The spill-over tantrum is defined as an outpouring of emotion in a disorganized way by Dr.’s Chess and Thomas in their book, “Know your Child.” When kids are overwhelmed by too much stimulation, fatigue, or emotions, they’re heading towards a spill-over tantrum.

You can see this type of tantrum as early as infancy when a baby is overwhelmed by too many people, too much noise or too much activity around him.  He can respond with a flood of sobbing and jerky body movements.

Your child may scream, throw herself on the floor, or go and cower in a corner. She's simply overwhelmed by her own emotions and beyond her ability to cope.  Knowing some key triggers, you can prevent these tantrums and help your child.

Spill-over tantrums most often occur between 4 and 6pm when your child is often tired and has already absorbed a lot of stimulation. Making sure your child is getting enough sleep can help to prevent that late afternoon meltdown. Implement an afternoon nap or a “siesta time” where everyone takes a quiet break free of noise and electronics.

When your stress is high, a sensitive child can absorb this and mirror your elevated stress hormones.  He can more easily go into fight or flight mode and have a meltdown.  If you’re feeling stressed or rushed, try slowing down and spending some time with your child playing or reading. You‘ll both feel better and a tantrum is far less likely.

If your child has morning tantrums, avoid rushing each day by waking your child ten minutes earlier so she can awaken slowly and you can eat together.  If she is hard to arouse, it’s a sign she needs more sleep so work on shifting her bedtime to an earlier time.

Set up rules for tantrums when everyone is well rested and calm.  For example: You can cry and stomp your feet and fall down on the bed, but you cannot kick, hit, bite, swear, spit or throw things. You can set your own family rules. It will be easier to stop inappropriate behaviors when rules are clear.

Next week, we’ll discuss what to do if your child does go into a tantrum.

Getting a Good Night's Sleep

Post by Samana:

Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds.  ~JoJo Jensen, Dirt Farmer Wisdom, 2002

Sleep is vital not only to health but to well-being.  When your kids sleep better, they are healthier, they behave better, and you sleep better.  Some kids are harder to get to sleep than others.  Based on your child’s personality, these simple tips can help them to sleep better.

I talked about the POWER method in the last blog to help create more positive interactions with your child. Let’s use some of the same principles to address sleep.

You can Predict how your child will be falling asleep each night based on your child’s temperament and you can Organize the scene to improve his sleep.

If you have a slow to adapt child or one who is challenged by transitions, you can create a wind down ritual that may take 30 to 60 minutes. She can shut down games, shower or put on pajamas, and have some quiet reading or yoga time before going to sleep.

If you have a sensitive child, you can set the scene by giving her the darkest and quietest bedroom, clearing it of clutter, and giving her soft calming comforters. Less stimulation is better for a sensitive child.

If you have an energetic child, you can help him to wind down. During the day, sports and active games are great to help your child channel his energy, but near bedtime, he needs to calm down and feel safe to go to sleep. Watch for when your child shows signs of drowsiness such as rubbing his eyes or getting cuddly.  Energetic kids often have about a 15 minute window before getting a second wind. Catch the window. Use simple yoga poses such as child’s pose or belly breathing, quiet reading or snuggling to help your child transition to sleep.

Spending time with your child before bed reading, talking about her day or discussing things she is grateful for creates wonderful bonding time and helps you wind down as well. It’s best to take turns with your partner in putting your child to sleep so you don’t get trapped in her insistence that you put her to bed each night.

Remember 12 to 13 hours of sleep is ideal for toddlers and preschoolers, 10 hours for school age kids, and 8.25 hours for adults. You want your children to get the sleep they need and you want to have your needs met as well. Make sleep a priority for your whole family.  Have your own wind down ritual and honor your body with the sleep it needs so you can be more patient and feel well each day.

Sweet dreams!

Living with Spirit

Post by Samana:

I’ve been reading a really useful book for working with children. It’s called “Raising your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It’s loaded with helpful insights and tools to work with spirited kids.

Nowadays spirited kids are often labeled with ADHD, sensory disorders or behavior problems. There are many ways to work with your child if he or she challenges you. We discussed different types of children in my last three blogs.  Now let’s talk about ways to create strategies for success in working with our kids.

In the book, the author shares her method, the POWER approach. The idea is to plan for success each day. The first step is to Predict your child’s reaction for a typically tough time. If your child is slow to adapt and  sensitive, leaving a dance class might be challenging for her.  Knowing this, you can discuss it with her on the way to class, assure her that she can practice at home and will return next week, and let her know ten minutes before it’s time to go. If you’re both prepared, you can be more responsive to the situation.

The next step is to Organize the setting. If you have an energetic child, a long car ride followed by a family dinner might be rather challenging for him. You can take your child to the YMCA to run around or swim before you go and let him run around a bit after getting out of the car. You can also have things for him to do at the table like coloring or a simple puzzle. You can channel his energy to work with it.

Next is Work together as a team. Can you give your child the agenda for the day so she can flow with it and be better prepared? Can you make your child more aware of when he is getting overstimulated and could use a time out? Can you find ways to say yes to your persistent child and still get what you want as well? Teamwork makes it all possible.

The final step is to Enjoy Rewards.  Kids deserve recognition for a job well done. You want your children to know you appreciate their behavior. The more kids hear your praise, the more they’ll want to keep doing what earned it. You validate their efforts knowing what a challenge it is for them.  Appreciate yourself and your spouse as well remembering to validate all the work you do each day to work with your child.

I like the idea of planning for success.  It’s much better than putting out fires all day. Everyone will feel better and have more energy if things flow without the usual meltdowns, temper tantrums and power struggles. You can start really enjoying your child.